Archive for Sex Talk

Back to Basics… Your Message

May 11, 2015 · Filed under Family, Parenting, Reproduction, Sex Talk, Where do babies come from?, Your Message · Tagged , , , , , ,

Do you ever feel the need to get back to basics? Reviewing the fundamentals on how we intend to teach our children about sex can be helpful to either get us started, or remind us of what we still need to do. For the next few posts, I am going to be going over the strategy that I give parents for talking to their children about sex. There are five simple steps that make up the foundational information. If you have been to one of my talks, you may already know what they are:

  • Your Message
  • Vocabulary
  • Story of Birth
  • Seeds and Eggs
  • Conception

So today, we will start with YOUR MESSAGE…

Your child may be 4 or 5 or 7 and you wonder how to answer questions like: “Mommy, how does the baby get out of you?” or “How did that baby get in?” If you aren’t prepared, this can be heart-stopping! And yet this is a time in their life when they are naturally curious, and it’s an excellent opportunity for you to begin tiny and age appropriate conversations with them on the subject of sex. Are you prepared to capture these teachable moments? What should you do first to get ready?

#1… Your Message

The first step doesn’t involve your children, but it is the most important step.

You need to answer THIS question: “What is the main thing you WANT your children to know about sex?”

Most parents would agree that the messages in the culture are NOT the ones they hope their children adopt for their own, as they are confusing, degrading, and even disturbing. So what IS the positive, healthy message you would like your children to have? If you are a person of faith, what is the Biblical message you believe you want to send? I suggest you take some time to consider this very carefully.

Consider what the purpose(s) of sex may be? What was it designed to be? These are deep but worthwhile considerations, because being grounded in this message will help you to answer your children’s’ questions with clarity. They will need more than the basic biology, they also need context and the reasons for why any of this matters.

If you are a person of faith, you may want to go to Genesis 1:26-31 and then Genesis 2:24-25.Here in the first chapters of the Bible, God tells us the simple and beautiful truth of sexuality and what His purposes are. The beauty and the boundaries of sex are made clear here. Where then does the fear in talking to our children come from? We’ll deal with that later… but for now, let’s consider the joy of this parenting task. YOU… not porn, not the internet, not the neighbor down the street, but YOU get the privilege of giving your child their first impression of what this is all about. First impressions are powerful.

If faith is not your main interest, then consider what major themes you may want to focus on… their future health and well being? The purpose of their reproductive parts and how to respect and take care of them? Whatever matters most to you will be the foundation of your message.

YOUR MESSAGE… What is it?

What expectation and hopes do you have for your children? What will their image of sex be as a result of growing up in your home? This is quite personal, and consequently the messages will vary from family to family. But the important thing is that you are confident that YOUR message reflects YOUR values, and what you truly believe you desire to communicate to your children. After you have taken some time to think about this, reduce those thoughts into one sentence.

Here are a few examples:

  • “Sex is a gift from God intended for marriage”
  • “Sex is an act of love, and can lead to babies”
  • “Sex was made by God for oneness in marriage, and for children”
  • “Sex is like that electrical plug over there… you touch it, you die!”… I was kidding on that last one.

You will find that developing a clear message will give you much more confidence to speak to your children, because you WANT them to get this specific impression and it’s a positive healthy image that comes from the people who love them the most. YOU! You may not necessarily announce your message to your children just yet, but as you will come to see, your conversations will reflect this message.

The more exited you are about this message, the less reluctant you will be to talk to your children… and that’s what we are look for. Starting the conversation. Next week, we will consider the next step in these conversations: VOCABULARY.

I’d love for you to share with me some of your messages, or let me know how having a message has helped you with your conversations. Always great to hear from you!

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Summer Reading List

May 25, 2014 · Filed under Adoption, Birth, Conception, Family, Parenting, Reproduction, Sex Talk, Summer Reading, Where do babies come from? · Tagged , , , ,

Summer is upon us, and with it will be a the opportunity for conversations that we just don’t seem to have time for during the school year. Have you thought about what you hope to accomplish this summer… when it comes to conversations with your children about how babies are born, or how babies are made? With more family time will come some not-to-be-missed opportunities. With young children there is a window of curiosity about how all of this works, and that window begs you to come in with great information and wisdom for these little ones about how fearfully and wonderfully they were made.

Perhaps a quiet time with books is just the ticket into that window. Here are a few suggestions to get conversations started.

I discovered these beautiful books last year, and really love the intricate illustrations:

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They are perfect for conversations about seeds and eggs, and the beauty of God’s design for reproducing plants and animals.

Here is a fun and sweet story written by Ann Higgginbottom who did so much to help me write my second book, God’s Very Good Design. This is a true story of her childhood experience at the beach discovering turtle eggs. Also beautifully illustrated.

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Simple picture books that can bring up conversations about babies…to remind of us what life is like for a baby, and how we have grown!

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Here are two books I highly recommend for reading to preschool or early elementary children who are asking the big questions. OR if they have never asked, and you feel like it’s time for them to know before someone else tells them. I read these books to my children, and I think they are wonderful. The first is the story of birth (recommended to 3-5 year olds)  and the second is the story of conception (recommended for 5-8 year olds). It’s always a good idea to look through the books yourself to be sure you are comfortable with the language and illustrations before you read them to your children.

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Of course, reading my books is a good idea too…because your children need to hear YOUR VOICE and both Simple Truths and God’s Very Good Design will help you train YOUR voice for the conversations you hope to have this summer! Just remember that these two books are NOT for children, but for YOU…their parents.

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Happy reading!

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Mothers of Boys…

June 5, 2013 · Filed under Family, Parenting, Sex Talk, Your Message · Tagged ,

Let me introduce you to an amazing blog and website. It’s called the MOB Society (MOB stands for Mothers of Boys). They have incredible resources especially designed for these moms to pray, share, and encourage one another as they raise the next generation of men to know and love the LORD.

The special challenges that boys (of all ages) can present are discussed with honesty, wisdom, and humor.

This summer they have graciously invited me to walk these moms through the steps that will help them address the topic of sex, and to shape their child’s sexual character.

The first installment for the conversation with Heather MacFadyen (mother of FOUR boys, new friend, and wonderful blogger) will be tomorrow, June 6. If you are a mother of boys, or know someone who is, or are simply interested in a review of these simple steps…please visit their website tomorrow by clicking on this link http://themobsociety.com/
And please check out Heather’s Blog, God Centered Mom…http://godcenteredmom.com/

Now that I’m thinking of boys…Here are my personal favorites!! Husband, Son, and the two wonderful young men who married our girls!

2007-2008 Family Pics 113

Aren’t they cute?

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KIA Superbowl Ad

February 4, 2013 · Filed under Birth, Conception, Family, Parenting, Reproduction, Sex Talk, Timing, Your Message · Tagged , ,

I’m generally a pretty enthusiastic football fan, although this year I wasn’t so much into the game (no interest in either team) as I was into the commercials. I loved the Best Buy commercial with Amy Poehler asking the Best Buy employee all of those questions…those are MY questions. Especially, “WHERE IS THE CLOUD?” I actually do wonder about that.

But the KIA commercial REALLY caught my interest. Here is a family in a car and the son asks, “Dad, where do babies come from?”…well instead of me explaining the whole commercial, I’ll let you watch it for yourself. Just click on this, and then we’ll discuss

Three things occurred to me…
1. The silly (but imaginative) lie.
2. The fact that the boy had already been told some information by his friend Jake.
3. Parents who were far more uncomfortable than their son….so much so that they prefered to sing “The Wheels on the Bus” to visiting with him.

I would call this the perfect example of why I have a job.

Coaching parents on this subject, so that
1. The truth and your values are easier to tell, and you don’t have to lie.
2. You can talk to your child before Jake does. (who knows what Jake may have said)
3. Best of all…. you can have a REAL conversation with your child instead of having the tune to “The Wheels on the Bus” in your head for days.

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Beauty and Boundaries

April 11, 2012 · Filed under Family, Marriage, Parenting, Sex Talk, Your Message

Going to the zoo this spring? I’ll bet your children enjoy seeing the monkeys, zebras, and exotic birds. When you get to the tigers’ den there’s an excitement about being close to something that would be dangerous to you outside of the zoo. If that tiger were loose in your neighborhood, you would run inside and lock the doors, yet within the safety of secure boundaries they are beautiful animals to watch.  Tigers are as powerfully fierce as they are beautiful, and we respect the threat that they can pose as well as appreciate the beauty and mystery that is so compelling.

There are other examples in nature of things that are both fearful and wonderful…the ocean, fire, and sex. Powerful, compelling, mysterious, and when enjoyed within the boundaries of God’s purposes, beautiful. We are drawn to these things, but we must be aware of their potential danger.

If you find a teachable moment at the zoo, or  the beach, or in front of a fire pit this spring…take advantage of it! Some things that are powerful and beautiful need to be approached carefully. Just because something is beautiful, doesn’t mean you run to it with total abandon. Enjoying the beauty while respecting the boundaries for something that is both fearful and wonderful is a good life lesson.

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A Christmas Story

December 13, 2011 · Filed under Birth, Conception, Family, Parenting, Sex Talk, Vocabulary

Merry Christmas, and bless you loyal follower!

Walking around the house today, I had time to look at the various manger scenes we have collected through the years.

My children had their favorites, but when I was a little girl, we only had one nativity.

Placing the Christ Child and Mary and Joseph, and all of the animals and kings and shepherds in the manger was a special Christmas tradition. I wondered about the star, the angels, but especially about Mary and Joseph. Your children may be doing some wondering as well, so let’s think about what some of those questions might be and how you might answer them.

Children are so practical, that it may not be the spiritually rich questions that they are wondering about. At least not at first. With new words to consider like frankincense, and swaddling, and sore afraid, and…

“Mommy, what does virgin mean?”  Your daughter asks as she is arranging the nativity on the coffee table.

You, however, are focused on untangling the tree lights and can’t really hear her over the high volume of Elf in the background.

“VIRGIN MARY” she asks again, but in equal volume….”What does VIRGIN mean?”

“OH!” looking up, “MARY! Yes, she is called the Virgin Mary because she wasn’t married yet.”

After a pause, you start again.

“She had never been close to a man, like a wife and husband are.”

You wonder if it’s easier to untangle the lights or the words you are tossing out.

“Huh??”Her 6-year-old eyes are squinting.

You put down the tree lights, find the remote to turn down the volume, and cross your legs to sit on the floor next to her at the coffee table.

As you pick up the Virgin Mary, you tell her sweetly, “Mary was a young lady engaged to Joseph….that means that they were intending to get married, but were not yet married, so they did not live together or sleep together. She had kept herself pure for her husband, which meant that she had not shared her body with any man.  The Bible tells us all of this. God chose her to give birth to His son, Jesus. God sent an angel to tell Mary all about it, and at first Mary was a little scared, but more than anything she was honored to be Jesus’ mother, because she loved God.”

Now you pick up Joseph.

Actually you accidentally pick up a shepherd, but your daughter corrects you and hands you Joseph.

“Joseph loved Mary, but when he found out that Mary was pregnant with the baby Jesus, he could not understand how that could have happened. God had never done anything like this before, and Joseph was thinking that perhaps Mary had become pregnant by being with some other man. An angel from God came to Joseph and reassured him that indeed God had placed his Only Son in Mary’s womb and that they were to name the baby Jesus because He would save His people from their sins.”

“From that time on, Joseph took very good care of both Mary and the Christ Child that she was carrying. He was probably the first to see Jesus when He was born! He and Mary knew from the beginning that Jesus was fully God and fully man, and they were amazed!”

By this time she is reaching for the remote because this is now her favorite part of Elf.

But you look on in wonder…. again. And someday, she will, too!

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What about Adoption?

October 11, 2011 · Filed under Adoption, Birth, Conception, Family, Sex Talk

Almost every time I speak, I am asked how to explain conception and birth to adopted children. There are particular issues that come up both for the parents (explaining birth when you haven’t experienced it can be emotional), and for the children as they grow up understanding their story of origin.

It has been my honor to be associated with Tapestry…a wonderful group that addresses all of the adoption and foster family issues in such an encouraging way.

The 2011 Tapestry Adoption & Foster Care Conference will be held on Saturday, October 29, from 9:00 am to 3:30 pm in Irving, Texas. You can visit www.tapestryconference.org and take a look at the various sessions and speakers that are lined up. I’ll be one of the break-out speakers, and I’d love to meet you there!

Even though nearly 1,000 people have signed up, there is still room for more, and the folks at Tapestry want to make sure that every adoptive and foster family who wants to is able to come, so here is some really good news…the conference is FREE!! It is important to register, however, so please get to that website today!

You also might want to check out the 10 great reasons that people should join us for the 2011 Tapestry Conference. You can see the list at http://tapestryministry.org/?p=2136

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Under the influence?

September 1, 2011 · Filed under Parenting, Sex Talk, Uncategorized, Your Message

Are you curious about who or what has the power to influence your children? Is it the back of the cereal box? the latest video game? The newest ap?

According to research, that answer depends on the age of your child. From ages 0-7 parents have the strongest influence, from 7-11 teachers and coaches, and from 11-16 their peers. This makes sense because as their world widens, they are met with forces outside of the home that have new and different ideas that sometimes reinforce what was taught at home and sometimes challenge them.

But what about subjects that are never taught at home?

Topics that are left OUT at home are left UP to others. Where there is a void of influence at home, it will be taken up by the culture at large.

I encourage parents to think about a sponge being in the mind of their children. It’s up to parents to either fill that sponge with the ideas about their sexuality that the parents want them to have, or else their children will absorb whatever they may pick up on the playground, or the next click on the computer. I don’t say this to frighten parents, but to open them up to the great opportunity that is before them. Before the hormones kick in, before the culture has it’s turn, you can have the power of the first impression.You have the chance to fill the sponge…drop by drop!

If you need some encouraging resources, please go to www.maryflo.org

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Summer Time Homework

May 28, 2011 · Filed under Birth, Conception, Family, Reproduction, Sex Talk, Vocabulary, Your Message

Ahhh…it’s summer!

A change of seasons brings a change of schedules and routines. Maybe you can sleep a little later, maybe you have to get up earlier to beat the heat and make swimming lessons on time. But whatever the case, summer is usually a change for young children and their parents. If you have school age children, then it’s nice to know you can stop asking  them if they have any homework to do.

That question gets so old.

YOU, however, are not off the hook, and as your friend I may need to remind you of a few homework assignments that are due by Labor Day!

1. We’ll start with your writing assignment. Some of you have already turned yours in, but a few of you still need to write your “message”.  You need to answer  the question, “What do I want my children to know about sex if they are growing up in my family?” One sentence only. Memorize for future conversations with your children.

2. There will be a vocabulary quiz each Friday. Be sure you are using respectful words when you talk about bodies, and minus ten if you only use “wingy-wangy-words” for body parts. I’m sure you will all get A’s on this.

3.  Take your children to Farmer’s Market and find something you have never eaten before…give it a try. While you’re at it you can get extra credit for finding time to talk about the seeds of that fruit or vegggie, and if you actually plant the seeds and grow something in the back yard you can go to the head of the class. Make keen observations about the fact that there are seeds and eggs inside of all living things.

Don’t you love Field Trips? Good, because here’s  another one.

4.  Visit a family with a newborn baby (they will let you come if you bring them dinner!), then engage your child in a conversation about babies as you drive home. Topics can range from why we wash our hands before we touch babies to who the baby looks like, but you will get bonus points if you talk about birth or conception in any way. Remember, just the most basic biology and your values.

5.  Speaking of biology…you might want to check out a resource at www.maryflo.org. The book is Questions Kids Ask About Sex, and it will meet your Biology requirement for all the information you will need to answer those questions. My Simple Truths resources are also available on that website, and they will suite every learning style.

That just about does it, but  let’s review:

Your message, vocabulary, birth, reproduction, conception.  It’s going to be quite a summer!

Just don’t let the dog eat your homework.

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A strong foundation

March 25, 2011 · Filed under Family, Sex Talk, Uncategorized, Your Message

On my walk this morning, I came across some men laying the foundation for a new house in our neighborhood. It made me think about this important but completely un-glamorous part of a home.

Cement, wood frames, steel rods.

Not too exciting, but if you mess up the foundation, all of the pretty decorative tiles in the bathroom might come tumbling down. The expensive curtains don’t hang straight either.

Whenever we begin something important, we must start with a solid foundation.

That is the purpose of the “Message”. If you have been to one of my talks you hear me stress the importance of your message to your kids. Your message is the one sentence answer to this question, “What DO I want my children to know about sex if they grow up in my home?”  The answer to that question is foundational to all of the conversations that you have with your children. Not only your conversations, but your actions and reactions to this subject.

When our children were growing up, we wanted them to know this: Sex is a Gift from God for Marriage. They are now 29, 26, and 22 years old, and we still hope they understand this as they go through the rest of their life.

Consider carefully what message you send. Will it stand the test of time? Is it positive? Where will it lead your children? Do you believe it?

As you set the forms to pour the cement, as you place the iron rods in the wet cement, you may not feel as if you are doing anything very important….but what you are doing is far more important than the fellow hanging the beautiful chandelier. 

The security of that fragile thing of beauty is hanging on your work.

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